Great Expectations…

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On Wednesday, I went to the Bobby Bones Show Christmas Party at the Austin Music Hall. To be completely honest with you, I’ve never really listened to Bobby Bones all that much, and I didn’t like three of the four acts that were going to be there (I secretly like Iyaz, but would have been happier had he played his one song and left). But. The last act. The headliner? Was The Fray. I like The Fray. A lot.

I rode up with some friends, and when we got there, the line was incredibly long. We had to go to the end. It was could outside and it didn’t look like we were going to get anywhere near the stage…which would have been unfortunate for James and I since we’re both pretty short. To my extreme pleasure (In my head I jumped in the air and did a fist pump. You can’t actually do those kinds of things though. People will look at you funny) this guy is coming down the line with a very important announcement:

Over 21 with an I.D. can get in through the bar

I don’t think that man knew how much he made my day. James, Rachel, and I took off. Along the way, we grabbed Lance, and left Laine and his lady friend in the long cold line. Most of the other “over 21 with i.d.” crowd were with children, so we were pretty much guaranteed a great spot. We get in, and when they finally let us into the performance area, Rachel makes a mad dash for the front. There is only one person between us and the security bar in front of the stage. I might get sweated on by The Fray. My life will be complete.

Enter: my dear friend Jenna Coe. (I have given Jenna a hard time about this all week, I’m really not upset about it at all. I just know she can’t stand to have someone upset with her, and it’s fun to watch her think you are…) Jenna had left after us, and I had to run out and get her ticket to her. As we headed back in and tried to make our way back to the front, it became abundantly clear that it was not going to happen. I immediately went into upset mode, and Jenna went into feel bad mode. We ended up in the balcony barely able to see any of the acts.

Like I said earlier, I was really only there to see The Fray so I wasn’t really that upset about not seeing the other performers, but all I could think about was that I wasn’t going to have a good view of The Fray, and the whole night would have been a waste of 30 bucks for me. As the night went on, I started to not feel very great and ended up being grateful for the opportunity to sit down in the balcony area while I waited for The Fray to go on. When Owl City finished, a lot of people left. As The Fray began their set, more people left. Less than halfway through, I had a clear line of vision to them, and they were playing a great show.

I had expected to be close enough to read what their shirts said, and have my hearing impaired for a few hours and I didn’t get that. I did get to watch them perform a great show, hear some of my favorite songs by them, and spend time having fun with a good friend. My initial expectations were not met. They weren’t even necessarily exceeded. The plan changed and I ended up having a great time anyway. My initial reaction of being upset was ridiculous, and I felt pretty bad about it.

Often, my expectations of my Jesus are not met. The thing is though, it’s usually because I don’t expect enough, or have the right expectations.

I remember after becoming a Christian in 2004 I had this idea that now everything was going to be okay all the time. For a while it was. I was riding that initial wave of eternal joy that I imagine comes with most salvation experiences. I was learning and growing, colors seemed brighter, food tasted better, (Is that a little over the top? Maybe, but I think you get the point) everything seemed to be going great. Then, I kind of made it to a plateau. I had reached this point where I knew a lot, and I was serving a lot, but I’d already strayed from the point. I’d kind of forgotten the reason I was doing any of it.

Things started to look like they had before I’d met this Jesus guy. I found myself wondering how my homeboy (I’d lost some reverence…) could let things get so bad for me. I found myself thinking, “I thought being a Christian meant it was all going to be better now! No more fights, no more depression, no more homework (right?)”.

I sought advice from peers and mentors, and I heard a lot of the same thing. “Things are good and bad in different seasons” (“Seasons” is one of my favorite Christian things to talk about). And it didn’t mean anything to me. I was upset, and I felt like I’d been bamboozled, given the bait-and-switch, taken for a ride. I figured if things weren’t great, then I probably wasn’t really saved.

It’s a problem that the entire church has I think. We’re really good at telling people that everything is going to be better, and ok, and we’ll probably have no problems now that we have Jesus (Which is mostly a lie…). But I think that we (I know I do this) fail to make sure people really grasp that being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean life is going to be a bed of roses. He can help us get through a lot, and living the Biblical lifestyle that God has called us to will dramatically change our lives for the better in so many ways. But, we’re still going to go through relationship, work, money, and a host of other problems.

We market that everything will be peachy, and it’s not. In fact, in deciding to follow Christ, we’ve just loaded a whole new set of problems onto our backs. Christ tells us that the wold hated Him, and they’re going to hate us too. So now, we have the possibility of losing a friendship/relationship, facing problems at work, trying to stretch an already tight budget to give as we’re called, etc. None of that sounds easier than a life without Christ.

We have a marketing problem. Things aren’t always going to be great. We will experience some incredible joy with Christ in our lives. When we’re being obedient to Him, we may be blessed with financial, career, family/friend prosperity. But we may also go through the ringer. We may lose a job, a loved one will die at some point, John the Baptizer questioned his faith. You will too. And it’s all ok, because I half lied earlier. Jesus is going to make everything ok. In the end. It’s a fixed fight boys and girls. We know the end, and that is where our hope ought to be. Not that today should have no problems because I have Jesus. But that today may suck, and that’s ok, because I’ve got Jesus and in the end He wins and we spend eternity together.

“It’s a fixed fight.” -Rev. Brother Bell

Above all else…

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When given that phrase at the beginning or ending of an instruction, I get a sense of urgency. As though my life might hinge on what has just been, or is about to be said. It means that if you got nothing else out of what I just said, please, please remember this.

Today I was talking with a student who is in one of those We’re-Not-Calling-It-Dating-But-We-Pretty-Much-Are-Just-Don’t-Tell-Our-Parents-Even-Though-They-Already-Know Relationships. You know the one I’m talking about. Usually it’s because the parents of one person involved (Let’s be honest…usually the parents of the girl…) don’t want the daughter to date until they reach a certain age. Which is a great thing.

Anyway, I had recently been giving this student kind of a hard time about it, but she said something today that made me get all serious on her for a minute. I sincerely felt God move me to remind her of Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I was reminded of a parent who talked about letting their daughter date before they had originally planned to and she said “Sweetie you know you’re probably going to get your heart broke, don’t you?” She answered “Yeah mom, I know.” I don’t think she does. I don’t think a lot of us do.

If we were truly guarding our hearts I think we would put a lot more thought into the things we say and do. And the relationships we enter into. So many of the decisions that we make, and the things we say, and the way we treat others are the result of scars on our heart from when we weren’t guarding it.

I told this student about how I’d spent half of my high school career in the We’re-Dating-But-Not-Calling-It-Dating situation, and I got my heart broken (men’s hearts can be broken too.) In the end I was told I wasn’t good enough. That, among several other reasons, kept me from pursuing any kind of real relationship for several years. And as we were talking, I realized that I am even now in a friendship where I’m not guarding my heart the way I should be, and I’m not advising this friend to do so either.

We discussed the balance of over guarding, and allowing your self to learn some valuable life lessons, and there is one. I’m just not sure what it is. In the book Think Orange that I’m reading with a group of people, they discuss this concept. Reggie Joiner, who wrote the book, says something along the lines of “The tragedy is that we’re actually ok if they [our children] never climb the mountain [experience something for themselves], if it guarantees they never get hurt.” I would love it if anything I said changed this student’s mind, and they didn’t get hurt the way I did. But then, if I had listened, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt and been able to share that experience. I guess we have to ask ourself if the experience is worth the hurt. For some people, they may decide that it is.

Honestly? I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to get across to you. I was just reminded of this principle, and felt like someone else may need to hear it too. Guard your heart. What happens to it will have a lasting effect on things that will come later in your life. But maybe sometimes we have to allow ourselves to get hurt so that we can run back into the arms of our Father. Examine your relationships (romantic, friendships, working etc…), and ask yourself if you’re guarding your heart the way you need to, or if you may be taking advantage of someone who is not guarding theirs.

Have you had your heart broken when you weren’t guarding it? What happened?

22

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I turned 22 today. I don’t feel that different. Someone asked me earlier, “How does it feel to be 22?”. Mostly the same. It wasn’t even until recently that I really felt 21. As I thought about it though, I realized that this happens to me with most birthdays. I don’t really start feeling the age that I am until it’s almost too late.

1. I haven’t skydived. I really thought I’d have done that by 22.

2. I want to finish my book this year.

3. I should probably decide on whether or not to actually go to school.

4. The majority of my 21st year was spent living with new brothers and sisters in New Orleans. Best year of my life so far.

5. I discovered that my passion, and gift for writing. Are a match.

6. I’ve decided to make sure I broaden my musical horizons this year. Starting with that legit KISS concert I went to.

7. My freshman year of high school I got my first John Mayer album. I will see him in concert this spring. This excites me.

8. I became more appreciative of my family. I need to let them know this. And learn to love them better.

9. I should lose some weight.

10. Mission Year introduced me to the concept of a simple lifestyle. With the understand that simplicity looks different for different people at different points in life, I need to pursue this simplicity again.

11. There are a lot of things that I have a “Do as I say, not as I do” attitude about. I should try to do more as I say.

12. I might need to invent E.A. Electronics Anonymous if it doesn’t already exist. I have a pretty serious cell phone addiction. My purchase of an iPhone probably was not good for this.

13. I love my iPhone.

14. My relationship with Jesus grew leaps and bounds while I was doing M.Y. Not so much since. This is a personal fault. I should fix it.

15. In case there is any question in the future, my favorite band of all time is the Beatles.

16. If I am ever in a vegetative state, and it has been longer than 3 weeks. Pull the plug.

17. While my passion for students has grown, I’v also developed a passion for discipling people my age. I need to explore this avenue.

18. I have some of the best friends in the entire world. Hands down. Thanks you guys. I love you. All of you. Even when this doesn’t seem to be the case.

19. I’ve been blessed with an INCREDIBLE faith family. I would not be who I am today without all of those people. There are way to many to list and thank.

20. I’ve never broken a bone, but I feel like it’d be interesting. Is this my year?

21. Same goes for major surgery. Or minor. I’d settle for that.

22. Thanks for reading this. Or any of my other blog posts. It’s been ages since I’ve blogged. (Not really, more like 5 months. But daaaaaannng.) I plan on getting back into as a habit though. I forgot how therapeutic it can be. While it is nice to read some of the nice things that people say, that’s not why I do it. I just like to share my thoughts on…whatever it is that my cross my mind…and I hope that it can help someone else somewhere.

Here’s to a hopeful 22.

-Stippick

Familiar Conversation

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I park my car, and let it idle for a minute, trying to decide whether or not to actually go in. It’s not like this is going to be any different. He’s the same as He always was, and there’s no way He’s ever going to change. And me? It would probably just be to hard to change. I don’t know why we still meet.

As I walk up to the coffee shop, I see Him through the window sitting at the normal table, with the chess board set out. He is whites, I am blacks. Typical.

I open the door, and He looks up and smiles at me. I know He’s done the same thing for everyone else who has walked in, but I don’t care, it makes me feel special anyway. He has a way of doing that.

I wave, and go order my drink.

When it’s ready I take a deep breath. Rather, I sigh…this is going to be awkward. Just like it always is. I walk over, and we hug. He is taller than me, and stronger. He hugs firmly, but He’s not crushing me with it. Just conveying how happy He is that I am here. I squeeze back hoping that will be enough for him.

“Sit, sit”, He says enthusiastically, “It’s been so long since we’ve met! How’ve you been? What’s been going on? Come to think of it…where’ve you been?” He sits, and makes the first move. I don’t know why we play. He always wins.

“Thanks,” I say nonchalantly as I glance at my watch, and make my first move. I’m already ready to have this over with. “Lord help me”, I think to myself as I take a long sip of my drink. Mistake.

“I’d love to, but you have to let me.” He smiles knowingly as he moves again.

“I know,” I say while looking at the board. Sometimes I just can’t look Him in the eyes though. I hope He thinks it’s just because I’m concentrating on the game. ”I have missed you though,” I put some hopeful inflection in my voice. Hoping He’ll buy it. “I’ve just been really busy man. School, work, church stuff. It all just runs together.” The game is on now. Neither of of is looking at the other as we talk, this time though it is because of the game.

“Oh I know! I’ve seen. You’ve been great about halfheartedly doing your job, finishing assignments at the last minute, and doing and saying all the right stuff at church! It’s a wonder you’re able to keep it all together.”

“I didn’t mean it like that…”, I begin sheepishly, “I just…I dunno.” I sip again from my drink, signaling that I really have nothing more to say about it. I am out of excuses.

“Don’t you though? I hear you tell people all the time about me. People who already know about me, but still. You tell them most of what we’re doing together. But not all of it. Wouldn’t want to be embarrassed would we?” He says this last part with a smile and a wink. As though I should laugh at the joke He’s just made.

I drain the last of my drink. I’ve finished it faster than usual today.

“Listen, it’s not that. It’s just weird some times. I don’t want to put anyone off, they-.”

“Right, because that’s what I’m all about.” He takes my king. He’s won in less than 5 minutes. I am pathetic. In so many ways. He starts to set it back up, but I put my hand in the middle of the board.

“Don’t do that! It’s not fair. I try to do what you ask me to but…You don’t get it. You can’t!  Things are hard. I hate my job, and You won’t let me do anything I love. Everything is so busy. Everyone is going, going, going, and if I don’t go with them, I’m going to get left behind! You surround me with people I love, and who love me, but I’m so…lonely. It hurts. Why does this hurt? I thought that was supposed to go away? You’ve never been where I’ve been. Where I am!” I’m almost shouting now.

I wish I hadn’t though. Because I can see that He’s on the verge of anger. An anger I desperately want to avoid. He doesn’t shy from the shouting.

“HAVEN’T I? DIDN’T I GIVE IT ALL UP?! For you. Just. For you”, He jabs His finger at my chest, as tears begin to form in His eyes, “I just want to love you, and be loved by you. Don’t you get it. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t care about your job, your school, or any of the work that you do if you’re not doing it because you love Me too!” Tears are streaming down his face now. Mine too. People are looking at us in that way where they don’t want us to know. But you can tell they’ve heard everything, and they feel guilty too. “When was the last time you talked to Me just because?! When was the last time you read that love letter I wrote you?! I know it’s long, but so what? When you sing those songs that I wrote, do you really mean it, or are you just putting on some kind of show? I give you everything, and you can’t find the time to really give me anything. You say and do the right things, but right now you’re not where you should be, AND YOU KNOW IT! I know it…”

I stare at my empty drink. Tears falling from my eyes silently. He is across from me sobbing. I can feel His emotion, and it scares me. I can’t be here anymore.I start to get up, and get my stuff to leave. He grabs my wrist. Not hard, but almost…pleadingly. “Don’t go. Stay. Work this out with Me, I want to, and so do you. I know it seems like it will be hard, but together we can do it.”

He’s still sitting, and I look down into His eyes. I’m always shocked that He almost begs me to stay. Every time. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Maybe I should stay this time.

“I’ve got to go. Meeting.”

He let’s go of me, and I walk towards the door wiping my tear streaked face. Trying to regain composure. He calls to me.

“Hey.”

I turn around with one hand on the door, wanting nothing more than to be gone from this place, away from His presence. How can He stand to be in mine?

“Yeah?”

“I’ll be here if you want to come back. Always. You know that right? You know I love you?”

“Yeah. I know.”

I walk out the door, and back to my car. I get in and drive away, somehow amazed that it went almost exactly the same as last time. I was foolish to think He’d change. I wonder if He still really thinks that I can.

Sloppy Wet Kisses

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It’s been a long time since I have blogged, but I plan on fixing that.

Anyway.

Sometimes I let my nephew chill out in my room to play with legos or read books while I study, and we play around a little bit. The other day though he asked me to play my djembe while we were lying on my bed. I layed out with my legs hanging over the bed, and he climbed up next to me. I was playing for a few minutes, and he was smiling and giggling, and all of the sudden out of nowhere he leans over and kisses me. Just a big. Wet. Sloppy. Kiss. And says, “Love you uncle Davib”, gives me another one, gets up and walks out of the room. If I was a crier, that probably would have gotten me. However, it just set me to thinking about sloppy wet kisses. You know, in general.

There’s this song called How He Loves that was originally done by John Mark McMillan, it’s been redone by David Crowder, Brandon Heath, The Glorious Unseen, lots of other famous people, and worship leaders the world over. It’s a great tune that McMillan wrote out of some serious grief/despair/anguish over the loss of a good friend, and it has this line:

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest…

And I love it.

I first heard this song on the cardboard testimony video that was so big on YouTube a while back, and I’ve been in love with it since.

That line though. It gets me. There’s something so…messy about it…that I love. A sloppy wet kiss. Not a peck of the cheek, or even a short one on the lips. No this is almost kind of gross…in an interesting way. Kind of like we we are…

I love the idea of a sloppy wet kiss. It reminds me that when I’m so upset with, or far away from God for whatever reason, He’s always got one waiting, all I have to do is ask for it. Heck, sometimes I don’t even have to do that, He knows when I need it, and He just leans right down and gives it. Sometimes in the form of a three year old enjoying the beat of a drum.

I don’t know why, but I forget about the kiss a lot. If we’re being honest, I think most of us do. We forget that even though God is jealous (rightfully), gets angry (justly), and sometimes hands out punishment we don’t think we deserve, or think we can’t handle, His affection for us is great. He wants to give us those sloppy wet kisses.

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Kisses,

Stippick

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