I park my car, and let it idle for a minute, trying to decide whether or not to actually go in. It’s not like this is going to be any different. He’s the same as He always was, and there’s no way He’s ever going to change. And me? It would probably just be to hard to change. I don’t know why we still meet.

As I walk up to the coffee shop, I see Him through the window sitting at the normal table, with the chess board set out. He is whites, I am blacks. Typical.

I open the door, and He looks up and smiles at me. I know He’s done the same thing for everyone else who has walked in, but I don’t care, it makes me feel special anyway. He has a way of doing that.

I wave, and go order my drink.

When it’s ready I take a deep breath. Rather, I sigh…this is going to be awkward. Just like it always is. I walk over, and we hug. He is taller than me, and stronger. He hugs firmly, but He’s not crushing me with it. Just conveying how happy He is that I am here. I squeeze back hoping that will be enough for him.

“Sit, sit”, He says enthusiastically, “It’s been so long since we’ve met! How’ve you been? What’s been going on? Come to think of it…where’ve you been?” He sits, and makes the first move. I don’t know why we play. He always wins.

“Thanks,” I say nonchalantly as I glance at my watch, and make my first move. I’m already ready to have this over with. “Lord help me”, I think to myself as I take a long sip of my drink. Mistake.

“I’d love to, but you have to let me.” He smiles knowingly as he moves again.

“I know,” I say while looking at the board. Sometimes I just can’t look Him in the eyes though. I hope He thinks it’s just because I’m concentrating on the game. ”I have missed you though,” I put some hopeful inflection in my voice. Hoping He’ll buy it. “I’ve just been really busy man. School, work, church stuff. It all just runs together.” The game is on now. Neither of of is looking at the other as we talk, this time though it is because of the game.

“Oh I know! I’ve seen. You’ve been great about halfheartedly doing your job, finishing assignments at the last minute, and doing and saying all the right stuff at church! It’s a wonder you’re able to keep it all together.”

“I didn’t mean it like that…”, I begin sheepishly, “I just…I dunno.” I sip again from my drink, signaling that I really have nothing more to say about it. I am out of excuses.

“Don’t you though? I hear you tell people all the time about me. People who already know about me, but still. You tell them most of what we’re doing together. But not all of it. Wouldn’t want to be embarrassed would we?” He says this last part with a smile and a wink. As though I should laugh at the joke He’s just made.

I drain the last of my drink. I’ve finished it faster than usual today.

“Listen, it’s not that. It’s just weird some times. I don’t want to put anyone off, they-.”

“Right, because that’s what I’m all about.” He takes my king. He’s won in less than 5 minutes. I am pathetic. In so many ways. He starts to set it back up, but I put my hand in the middle of the board.

“Don’t do that! It’s not fair. I try to do what you ask me to but…You don’t get it. You can’t!  Things are hard. I hate my job, and You won’t let me do anything I love. Everything is so busy. Everyone is going, going, going, and if I don’t go with them, I’m going to get left behind! You surround me with people I love, and who love me, but I’m so…lonely. It hurts. Why does this hurt? I thought that was supposed to go away? You’ve never been where I’ve been. Where I am!” I’m almost shouting now.

I wish I hadn’t though. Because I can see that He’s on the verge of anger. An anger I desperately want to avoid. He doesn’t shy from the shouting.

“HAVEN’T I? DIDN’T I GIVE IT ALL UP?! For you. Just. For you”, He jabs His finger at my chest, as tears begin to form in His eyes, “I just want to love you, and be loved by you. Don’t you get it. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t care about your job, your school, or any of the work that you do if you’re not doing it because you love Me too!” Tears are streaming down his face now. Mine too. People are looking at us in that way where they don’t want us to know. But you can tell they’ve heard everything, and they feel guilty too. “When was the last time you talked to Me just because?! When was the last time you read that love letter I wrote you?! I know it’s long, but so what? When you sing those songs that I wrote, do you really mean it, or are you just putting on some kind of show? I give you everything, and you can’t find the time to really give me anything. You say and do the right things, but right now you’re not where you should be, AND YOU KNOW IT! I know it…”

I stare at my empty drink. Tears falling from my eyes silently. He is across from me sobbing. I can feel His emotion, and it scares me. I can’t be here anymore.I start to get up, and get my stuff to leave. He grabs my wrist. Not hard, but almost…pleadingly. “Don’t go. Stay. Work this out with Me, I want to, and so do you. I know it seems like it will be hard, but together we can do it.”

He’s still sitting, and I look down into His eyes. I’m always shocked that He almost begs me to stay. Every time. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Maybe I should stay this time.

“I’ve got to go. Meeting.”

He let’s go of me, and I walk towards the door wiping my tear streaked face. Trying to regain composure. He calls to me.

“Hey.”

I turn around with one hand on the door, wanting nothing more than to be gone from this place, away from His presence. How can He stand to be in mine?

“Yeah?”

“I’ll be here if you want to come back. Always. You know that right? You know I love you?”

“Yeah. I know.”

I walk out the door, and back to my car. I get in and drive away, somehow amazed that it went almost exactly the same as last time. I was foolish to think He’d change. I wonder if He still really thinks that I can.