Those of you who know me well know that in the year or two that immediately followed my graduation from high school I didn’t really do much. I spent most of my time watching tv, facebooking, and talking to girls who didn’t really care about me (in the same way that I was just sure I cared about them). I tricked myself, and thought I had others fooled as well, into believing that doing those things, and being half-hearted at my part time job, and filling my calendar with as many church events as possible meant that I was super busy.

I wasn’t busy. I was existing.

So what did I do? I thought it would be a really great idea to figure out something to do that God could use to totally change who I am in a radical* way!

That’s not even true. I was trolling through the See You At The Pole website, and found in their partner ministries this thing called Mission Year. It sounded really cool, because I could go somewhere that was not here (and not feel as inferior to all of my educated college friends), and be on mission, telling people about Jesus for a year. Sign. Me. Up. Because my faith was on fire! I was growing in the Lord, and doing everything I could to tell people about Him, and love others anyway (That’s all not true. But again, I had fooled myself and others). But it seemed like a pretty cool deal nonetheless. So I sent in for an info packet.

An application, interview, and a prayer later, I was told to get ready, because I’d be doing Mission Year. In 10 months. What was I supposed to do until then? Be half hearted at my part time job, fill my calendar, watch tv, facebook, and and talk to girls who didn’t really care about me (in the same way that I was just sure I cared about them). I actually even ended up getting a job as a summer youth intern at a church the summer before I left, and by that time, God really had started to help me realize that this thing was real. I was going. And He was working in my heart to get me ready for some of the things I’d experience (That part is real, so I don’t feel guilty about sharing Jesus with those kids).

New Orleans taught me a lot of things. It’s possible to get stuck facebooking way to much even when you’re spending 95% of your time legitimately serving others (and when you’re not supposed to have internet in your apartment…sorry Irvin…), on your Sabbath when you’re supposed to be resting and communing with God to refuel for the week, you can watch hulu, and movies that you have, and read one chapter out of some book of the Bible, and only feel a little guilty. And, you guessed it, even though you really are growing in your relationship with the Lord now, and maturing, you can still spend way too much time talking to girls who didn’t really care about you (in the same way that you are just sure you care about them).

I really did have a life changing experience in New Orleans though. God placed passions on my heart that I didn’t know existed. He revealed Himself to me repeatedly through someone on the street, a giving neighbor, roommates I loved, and even roommates I didn’t always care so much for.

I came away with a passion to see church done differently. To really be the church with fellow believers, as I’d experienced with my roommates, and teammates, and spent so much time reading about in Acts and discussing with my roommates. I felt the Holy Spirit moving in my life as I never had before, and I sensed Him moving in this whole thing we were a part of (the other Mission Year teams). I wanted to experience Acts 4:31 with my community back home

And when they had prayed, the place where they had gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak the word of God with boldness.

Now, after a while, I realized that my desire wasn’t necessarily for that situation to happen. But to still be in such communion with God, and my community, that we felt that.

In coming back, one of the biggest things I learned is that it is possible to leave half of my heart in another city, in another state, with people I love dearly and do not know when I will see them again. My sister said the other day that maybe the reason I haven’t found a better job, or anything really permanent here is that…I’m supposed to be back there. Maybe that is the case. I don’t know. I’m praying about it. Join me.

I’ve been back about six months now, and I’ve been really good about keeping up with all of the things God taught me to be good at while I was away. Like loving unconditionally, not judging, having grace when someone screws up, being willing to be a little inconvenienced when someone needs my help with something (like a hitch hiker who needs a ride, or a homeless person who could probably use some food or water) (Also, all of those things are sarcastic. Again. I’ve been terrible at that.)

I have lots of friendships. Lots of them. And most of them are really deep rooted and Christ centered. Or…they look that way, and I’m really good at keeping them looking that way. In reality, they’re mostly very surface level. I don’t have the community that God put a longing in my heart for, and this tears me apart every day.

Now, I know you’re wondering if I still facebook too much, watch too much tv, give a half hearted effort at my job, and…yeah…still talk to girls who don’t really care about me (in the same way that I am just sure I care about them), and fill up my calendar. The answer to all of those things, ladies and gents, is a resounding YES. Absotootarootinlootley. Because I am still a mess. The upside though, is that I am also still growing in my relationship with the Lord.

The thing I’m missing now is what Donald Miller would call an “inciting incident”. I’ve got a lot going, but I’m not really doing anything…out of the ordinary, I don’t have anything I’m really living for…other than a free meal here and there, and there, and there (I somehow manage to secure a lot of free meals…). Not just so that I’ll be doing something, but because God wants for us to live better stories that are centered around him.

So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m trying to find and write a story that I want to be living. Sometimes that takes the form of me sitting on the couch eating colby jack cheese, and watching re-runs of Friends, The George Lopez Show, The Nanny, Fresh Prince…you get the idea, sometimes it looks like me hiding under my covers for two days because I’m that embarrassed before God about everything I’ve not done in the last six months. Sometimes though it looks like me taking a few weekends off of work to share Christ with some kids, or making my best effort to be in the 9th grade Life Group class with my students every Sunday, or being more willing and open and making an effort at family gatherings. It unfortunately also still involves the facebooking, tv, and girls who don’t care. I’m working on those.

-SuperStippy

*Radical: Of or going to the root or origin’ fundamental

(Big thanks to my friend Kassandra Barbee who inspired this little post)

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